What's your unfulfill-able desire?

I probably have quite a few unfulfill-able desires, like most people, I guess. But all of them are unfulfill-able in a practical sense, i.e., it is possible to fulfill those desires but it probably comes at a prohibitive cost. For example, I have the desire to abandon my current life trajectory and become a full time security guard. It is certainly possible for me to do it but will I really do it? Highly unlikely.

My guess is that this is true for most people. So I wouldn’t call them unfulfill-able, I’d rather label them unlikely-to-happen desires.

I have one desire that is certainly unfulfill-able though.

As someone who is constantly reflecting on their thoughts and actions, I have had a fair amount of realisations about myself over the years. Lately, I have learned that I have great affinity for:

  • doing things with my own hands (making things - electronic or analog)
  • talking to people (I love finding out details about people’s lives and worldviews)
  • avoiding conversation entirely when I am in a bad mood (just grunts and hmms on those days)

These seem fairly ordinary and without context, they are. But these are the things that my dad had great affinity for as well. In fact, it has been pointed out dozens of times that I am growing in my father’s mould and that I share quite a few interests, behaviours and curiousities with him.

The kicker though is that my dad doesn’t exist anymore. He became star dust a while ago.

So the accompanying realisation goes: I will never be able to seek his opinion on any of these similarities in character I share with him. I can’t dig in the kitchen garden with him. I can’t ask him how he sparks conversations with strangers. I can’t watch him brood when he’s pissed off.

It is physically impossible. The worst kind of impossible there is.

All I have is a 13-year old’s memory of my dad and an assortment of secondhand, likely embellished, accounts from family and friends. Makes it pretty difficult to develop a detailed picture with so few puzzle pieces.


I have a bunch of drafts lying around for this newsletter. So I think I am going to write a post every week until I exhaust them.

If you’re reading this as a subscriber, I should have you know that I don’t send emails for each post. Some posts are just not worth bothering your inbox with. On the plus side, when you do open my newsletter page, there will always be a post that you didn’t read. That should help you exercise some lightweight binge reading.

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Last modified: May 31, 2021